Why I Missed Out on BEA and Other Life Events

Friday, June 19, 2015

I've gotten a couple comments and tweets from fellow bloggers asking where I've been and why I missed out on BEA when I said I was going to go, so this is a post that will answer your questions. Take note that this is a very personal post, and it's not really all that bookish. But this is life and not everything can be about the goodness that is books.


It wasn't my intention to drop ship and not go to BEA this year. I had my plane ticket, my hotel, my roommates, my BEA pass. Everything. I had everything ready to go. But sometimes life throws you curve balls and your entire life turns on its head. 

Two days before I was to leave for NYC, my mom was admitted into the ER and diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer... not only that but it turned out to be a very rare form of cancer that not many have had before. 

I was in Texas at the time I found out, and my mom was in California visiting her brother. Needless to say, my family was freaking out and trying to figure out how to get out to Cali ASAP. In the end, only one of my sisters and my dad flew out to be with her (since we couldn't afford more than that), which left me and my other sister to hold down the fort, take care of my 94-year old great grandmother, and ultimately take care of each other. 

So over the past month, I have ranged from hot mess, to a sobbing water-logged lost girl, to a person who bravely tries to hide behind a facade of strength. It's been the weirdest and most exhausting month of my life. I've found out my mom has what is most likely a terminal cancer (though we are fighting against it, despite its aggressive nature). I've had to stay with her 24/7 in the hospital for a week and see her personality change because of the tumors in her brain. I've had to hold my crying sisters... and even worse my crying dad. I had to leave my family (once everyone was back in Texas) to go back to Oklahoma where I live so I could start a new job, because I couldn't make rent without it and my family couldn't afford to help me out if I were to stay with them. So I started a new job at B&N. And now I'm stuck between loving my job but hating that I have to be here while my family is falling apart. Then my sister had a seizure for unexplainable reasons. So two of my family members have been hospitalized in the last couple weeks while I'm five hours away.

So when people ask why I haven't been around. Why I haven't responded to comments. Why I haven't been on Twitter much. Why I haven't responded to emails. Why I had to leave my other BEA roommates to weather the awful car ride and trip alone.... Well, all I have to say is that my entire world has been turned up side down. And dear god, I wish it hadn't turned out this way. I wish it more than you do, I promise you that.

6 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry to hear this hun. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers <3

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  2. I wish more than anything I could wave my magic wand and make everything better for you, but all I can offer are my condolences and prayers. You will make it through this. If you need an ear, mine's always available. Sending all the love and positive vibes!!

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  3. Oh Amanda! I know that words can never express, well enough, when you are going through times like this in your life. I won't sit here and write about how you need to continue to be strong or any of that crap because I know from personal experience that it's not really what you want or need to hear. I'm sure you are already giving it your all and that you and your family will do all that they can to overcome this situation. I sincerely hope for the best for you and your family during this time and in the future.

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  4. I'm so very sorry Amanda. Keeping you and your family in my thoughts.

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  5. I wish I could take all of your pain away. Words can not express how much my heart cries for you. Always keeping you and you family in my thoughts. <3 Love you.

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  6. Amanda, I'm so sorry. Your family is in my thoughts. Take care--not just of your family but also of yourself. *hug*

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